KIDS, Incorporated: Dreams Come True

I’ve always been a music fan, though the artistic merit of my early influences may be called into question when you realize that I was mostly listening to audio cassettes of The Chipmunks and Disney folk songs. These sing-songy tunes were fine for the naïve 3 year old listener, but by age 5 pop music entered my world thanks to the weekly musical exploits of the 1980’s brightest stars: KIDS, Incorporated. Not familiar with this weekly TV show from the studio that brought you Our Gang/The Little Rascals? Then, “Everybody look around, there’s a sound, something special’s gonna come your way…”

Talk about wish fulfillment for the young pop star at heart, KIDS, Incorporated was a TV show that ran from 1984-1993 and featured talented young people from 6 to 17 performing the top radio hits of the day on stage in front of cheering crowds. It was like MTV Jr. with music video or live concert segments featuring covers of Michael Jackson, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper tunes. All these performances were interspersed between a story featuring the kids from the titular musical group learning “very special lessons”. This makes sense since the show originally aired during the early days of The Disney Channel.

I think it must have been during one of the free preview weeks that I first laid eyes on the show and instantly became a fan. As soon as I saw them strut their stuff under the brightly colored stage lights, clad in glittery jean-colored outfits and confetti I knew I wanted to be a part of this group. In fact, after that brief exposure I started having vivid dreams of performing with the group as their 6^th member and while I was awake, I started performing for anybody in earshot.

Though the cast rotated over the years the definitive version of the “band” in my eyes was Latin teen sensation Gloria, spikey-haired Ryan, soulful singer “The Kid”, wise older sister Renee and her younger sibling, the spunky Stacy! Whenever I think of the show, these are the “real” KIDS, Incorporated to me. Watching their adventures opened up a whole new world of possibilities. The problem was that we never subscribed to The Disney Channel, so the only time I saw the show was every 6 months during the next preview week.

As a result, each time I caught an episode they seemed to have a new member. “Wait, what happened to Gloria and who is this little Asian girl?” or “Wow, Renee is getting cute. Oh no, Ryan quit! Phew, at least he’s in The Monster Squad!” It was a constant shock each time I tuned in, so by 1990 when Stacy was the only original cast member left, I said good-bye to my former idols and started listening to Weird Al Yankovic and Madonna. A strange mix I’ll grant you, but I was a strange kid.

After a 5 year gap in my KIDS, Incorporated fandom the fire was re-ignited when one afternoon when I happened upon a lonely VHS tape in the clearance bin at local video and music store, The Wherehouse. When I popped the tape into my VCR during that summer before my freshman year of high school, I was amazed to find that it was the pilot episode of the show I had loved so much in my younger years. Though the 10+ years since its filming had made it look seriously dated, it was great to re-connect with an old favorite.

As it turns out I was an even bigger fan of this pilot episode than the series I used to watch. In this origin story, rival bands were competing for the opportunity to be the house band at The Malt Shop, later called The Place. It was basically a night club for kids where you could get wild dancing to the sounds of “Private Eyes” or “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”. This original incarnation of the show focused less on story and opted to move quickly between different medleys from “contemporary” acts like The Police, Stray Cats and Olivia Newton-John. I watched the tape over and over again that summer. Little did I know that I would soon be closer to fulfilling my pre-teen dreams of joining my favorite singing group by filming a pilot of my own.

Flash forward to 1998, I am contacted by the dance teacher at our high school who has seen me in a couple drama productions and apparently taken notice. She tells me that her brother is a television producer in Los Angeles and is looking for some kids to take part in a pilot episode for his new show and she wants me to audition. WHAAAT? I’m told to pick any song and come prepared to lip-synch to it in front of a camera. Oh, so basically just do what I do in front of the bathroom mirror every morning? Check.

Having now become a KISS fan I chose one of their lesser known songs and "sang" my heart out one Saturday morning in the school’s multi-purpose room. My audition featured plenty of air guitar, flirting with invisible crowd members and spazz-tastic dance moves, I might as well have been on stage. Next thing I knew, I got the call that said I had been chosen to be a part of the show and to report to a rehearsal space in L.A. somewhere.

When I got there I saw the familiar face of the dance teacher who got me the gig and 3 not-so-familiar faces that were about 2 feet closer to the ground, I was told they were my new “band-mates”. It was here that I learned the premise of the show: kids would be chosen to perform lip-synch versions of the latest pop hits and compete for prizes. In my case, I was teamed with three 11 year-olds to perform the swing throwback song Zoot Suit Riot by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. None of this seemed ridiculous until we actually went in for the filming.

A week after learning our routine, we arrived at the KTLA-5 TV studio for the taping of what was then known as The Big Stage. Outfitted with our Zoot suits, we took our spots on stage and that’s when I realized this wasn’t quite as glamorous as I thought it would be. See, I had auditioned as a lead singer crooning to a fake audience, but now that there was a real audience I was relegated to playing fake keyboards behind a cute 5^th grader, who had swagger. The most I got to do was kick my leg up high and shout “Riot” during the chorus. This was not the breakout performance I thought it would be.

Things got more ridiculous when they called us out after the song to be interviewed and 15 year old, 6’ 2” me towered over these tiny tikes. I looked like I had just landed in OZ and met the Munchkins. At least it wasn't as bad as the pairing of the 16 year old guy and the 12 year old girl who performed "Your The One That I Want" from GREASE on playground equipment (Yikes!). But hey, I made $100 that day and got a taste of what KIDS, Incorporated had gotten to do every week for my amusement.

The problem was that instead of rocking it up like my TV idols, I ended up more like a pre-Saved By the Bell Mario Lopez playing the drums in the background. Oh, you didn’t know "Slater" was on the show too? Yep, he was just totally lost behind the drum kit while "The Kid" hogged all the glory. But just like the future A.C. Slater, I got a second chance.

In the 6 months after the pilot was shot, the show got picked up by the Fox Family Channel for their Saturday line-up and after a slight makeover it was transformed into a new program called Great Pretenders. Even more exciting, I was called back to do a solo performance (I guess those leg kicks got somebody’s attention). I had another 1 day rehearsal to learn a choreographed dance to “Where It’s At?” by Beck and though certainly not what I would have picked, I was still grateful to get my moment in the spotlight like my heroes on KIDS, Incorporated. What I could never have dreamed was that I was about to share a stage with them.

See the other change the producers had made was hiring a basically unknown girl group called Wild Orchid to host the show. At least I had never heard of them, but once I saw the trio on the monitors from backstage I instantly recognized 2 of the members, it was Renee Sands and Stacy Ferguson from KIDS, Incorporated! I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t slipping back into one of my childhood dreams, but no, there they were and I was about to be talking to them!

I actually saw the 2 TV sisters walking around backstage and I contemplated striking up a conversation, but chickened out. I mean besides the fact that it would have been super-geeky (“I loved that show you did when you were 8.”), they were also very attractive women and if there’s one thing a 16 year old ego can’t handle, it’s looking like an idiot in front of a hot girl. So I just admired them from afar (technically that’s creepier) and waited for my moment to take the stage.

I had a great time performing for the 10-13 year old crowd, even if I did have to improv a dance for 30 seconds during a musical breakdown in the song. The costume was pretty ridiculous, but at least I could kill time with the DJ gear set-up in front of me to bring the lyric “Two turntables and a microphone” to life. Once it was all over, my heart skipped a beat because Stacy Ferguson was walking towards me. By the way, do you recognize this woman?

I mean, I know I’ve been telling you she was on a TV show I loved for the last 1,500 words here but it’s most likely you know her from her post Wild Orchid/Great Pretenders gig as Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and solo stardom. Yep, I shared a stage with "Proto-Fergie" (she was definitely building up to her funky hip-hop persona that day) and though she was being paid to shove a microphone in my face, Stacy did give me a legitimate compliment by saying, “You know how to work that crowd bay-bee!”

We only shared a microphone for 60 seconds that day, but I couldn’t have asked for a more thrilling minute to live. I was literally sharing a stage with a member of the group that awoke in me a love of performing and though I didn’t win the competition that day, I walked out of there a winner in my heart. Super-sappy I know, but it was a cherished moment and made my memories of watching KIDS, Incorporated that much sweeter.

If you want to watch these words in action you can click the links below as I recently uploaded them to YouTube. The written word is one thing, but when you see the ridiculousness in real-time it takes on a whole new dimension. Thanks for reading!

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE BIG STAGE PILOT

CLICK HERE TO WATCH MY EPISODE OF GREAT PRETENDERS