My Five Favorite Super Losers of the 90's

NFL Super Pro – Marvel Comics
Say what you want about this superhero, but gosh darnit it back in 1991 I thought he was the bee’s knees. Sure his “suit” was just a football uniform, but I thought the comic was delightfully silly, even if a lot of fun. And Marvel did try their best to at least turn him in to a third tier hero with Spider-Man guest starring. He even had a red white and blue suit in the vein of ol’ Captain America. Ultimately, this NFL endorsed wreck barely made it past the early nineties thanks to the goofy plot, and pretty ineffective superhero. I bought issue 1 when it first arrived in newsstands and quite enjoyed it. I never finished the entire twelve issue run, but twelve was very considerate for Marvel during the decade. Ironically Marvel did adopt a temporary football suit-like armor for Captain America (ironically a guest star in one of his issues) in the mid to late nineties, so Super Pro was good for something.

Adam X – X-Men Comics
Adam X was supposed to be the new X-man who lent an edge to an already edgy comic filled with extreme mutants like Gambit, Wolverine, and Cable. Adam X the half human/half shi’ar was allegedly supposed to be the second Summers brother and is the ninetiesest comic book character you can imagine. He has a backward cap, blonde hair, a goatee, braids, a stubble, shoulder pads, and yes, blades protruding every which way for no real reason. All he needed was a humongous gun and a bunch of pouches he didn’t need. He was introduced poised to take the comics world by storm with a very important storyline, and then dropped by Marvel suddenly. He is at least a summary of the decade’s obsession with the “extreme” and “edgy.”

Combo Man - Combos
He’s Combo Man! He’s a superhero made out of a combination of various Marvel characters and inspired by a pretty good junk food. Have you ever had Pizza combos? Absolutely delicious! If you could identify the fourteen Marvel characters he was made up of, you could win a Combos deluxe Hat, Tee, or leather jacket! In any case, Combo Man had powers of Hulk’s head, the blasts of Cyclops, Captain America’s patriotic chest, Wolverine’s vicious abs, and Human Torch’s hot thighs…? I’m not sure if anyone ever won the contest, but Combo Man was a lame mascot.

Sketch Turner – Comix Zone
When I was a kid I was always anxious to play “Comix Zone,” and years later it’s really just a mediocre beat em up with a novel concept not very well realized. The Genesis game has some kind of plot involving a mad maniac controlling your comic, and you’re Sketch Turner. You have a pet rat and no powers and look like a Marky Mark background dancer. You have slick back blond hair, and a ponytail, fingerless gloves, a denim vest, baggy shorts, and high top sneakers! Not to mention his shorts have a big red X on them. Sketch is about what you’d expect in 1995, it’ just sad we don’t get a hero who looked like an actual comic artist of the time: A man in his mid thirties and a dead tee, wearing a baseball cap and a small paunch.

Morph – X-Men: The Animated Series
I know this was a character who was supposed to bring the team from point A to point B, but I always considered him something of an annoying character. Even considering he was a shape shifter, he was kind of lame in the fact that he could change form but never his voice. So he’d have to constantly perfect his craft. At least Mystique could embody almost anything about the people she took the shape of, but Morph either had to remain silent or perform one heck of an impression of certain people. His return as a bad guy didn’t make him any more likable. But hey, at least he’ll always be the proof that the animated series was not playing around by murdering one of the X-Men.